This is from “Cop Humor” on FaceBook. This is too funny not to share.
@QBall45
Sent by one of our fans who had an eventful shift… From Brian V.
“This happened to me about 3 hours ago, and I thought it would be a funny post.
So there I was, no sh!t, just got done eating Chinese, and sitting on a burglary report call. My partner is punching out the report and I feel it come over me like Jerry Sandusky on a couple 4th graders. Uh-oh, I gotta f*****g take a shit and I’m 10 minutes from the precinct. Wtf am I gonna do? I start pacing back and forth trying to move the shi!t around, but by God this sh!t ain’t working. My partner is inside the home speaking with the complainant and his cell phone is in the car. So I text his phone “I gotta sh!t, emergency”, and bring the phone to him telling him he has a text. He looks at me like I got you guy, I’m gonna hurry up. All the while I’m trying to remain professional around these nice people. I go back outside and pray to baby Jesus that i don’t shart myself. I even considered asking to use their restroom, but i felt bad cause i knew what kind of evil was inside me. About five minutes later my partner gets in the car, and I f*****g race to the precinct at a whooping 20 miles an hour, because if the g-force kicks in and I move one muscle wrong I’ll sh!t everywhere. My partner is freaking out saying go faster, wtf are you doing, laughing while he does it. I’m in the zone pinching off squirts so I don’t f*** another squad car up, cause I’ve wrecked three and blew up one. I finally make it to the precinct. I got f*****g maybe 40 meters to make it to the sh!tter. At this point, its all up to Jesus. I’m praying like the song, Jesus take the wheel, cause I ain’t got the will to beat this sh!t. I make it inside the precinct, waddling like a duck just got butt f*** raped by a T-Rex. 20 meters to go, I’m focused, stopped breathing, closed my eyes, and using f*****g sonar to find the sh!tter. I walk inside, around the ping pong table and another buddy of mine working the desk hits the corner, and cracks a stupid joke, breaking my concentration. I chirp back with a “I gotta take a sh!t”. I start thinking bout what the f*** am I gonna do if I sh!t myself? I didn’t plan for this. They did teach this sh!t at the academy. I’m 5 feet from the locker room, 15 feet from the sh!tter, and my goddamn life flashes before my eyes, my soul leaves my body and starts pointing and laughing. And then I feel it, my boxer shorts fill up almost immediately with the first squirt. I’m now 4 feet from the locker room, 14 feet from the sh!tter. I was thinking to myself, I’ll just cut my boxers off and I’ll be good. Nope, the second squirt blew a fucking hole in my boxers and and I shit all over myself. I thought this must be what it feels like to have your water break, cause it was all water. I’m now entering the locker room approximately 10 feet from the sh!tter, and poo-poo is falling out of my pants, kicking up on the wall from my boots, my legs are covered in sh!t. I done f****d up. I make it to the sh!tter, and I don’t have to take a sh!t no more. All I did was wipe my a$$. I remember sitting there thinking, if I just scoop all this sh!t out of my pants and wash my hands I’ll be good. I cut my boxers off, and looked at myself. I got sh!t everywhere dude, I got hairy ass legs and they are caked in sh!t, my boots are filled up, and my pants are completely drenched in f*****g doo doo. I was thinking this sucks. Wtf am I gonna do? I was trying to develop a plan, when the equipment guy walks in and freaks the f*** out “oh my f*****g god, what the f*** is going on” dry heaving and throwing up in his mouth, screaming for help and pointing out there is sh!t on the floor. He goes to another restroom to throw up. The desk officer runs in and immediately goes to laughing but immediately starts helping my out by getting me a mop and bucket so I can unf*** this mess. Equipment guy comes back and gives me a pair of pants, cause I’m f****d. So thanks to my shift partners, equipment guy and desk guy for helping me out. My partner, not knowing what’s going on, cause he didn’t realize how bad I had to sh!t, comes in realizes wtf is going on and runs to a LT who starts a goddamn ambulance, and I’m thinking OMFG, it’s gonna be a hot chick making the scene and witnessing this homesick abortion. I finally get cleaned up and got sent home. So when the mayor asks me why he should appoint me director of police services 20 years from now I’m just gonna tell him this story. I sh!t my goddamn pants. And proud of it.”
