QBall’s Tales

One Way

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JOHN 14:5-6: Thomas said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how we can know the way.” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life… No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

Professional Drivers And Food

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Considering that all restaurants are carryout/drive through only during this Covid-19 crisis, as drivers we are left with few options. Sometimes, we are often left with few options. Occasionally, we have to become resourceful in our efforts to aquire something hot for dinner.  This afternoon was no exception for me in Manitowoc, WI. So what … Read more

Greedy Individualism

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Our greedy individualism is the chief reason why we have become so allergic to the utterly biblical motif of the wrath of God manifesting in catastrophic events. Our whole rhetoric against “blaming the victim” even when the inevitable consequences of socially irresponsible behavior befall us keeps us tongue-tied when in fact theological interpretation of disaster … Read more

United We Stand

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United We Stand The world has seen it time and time again. It’s that Great American Spirit that so many of our enemies just can’t figure out. It’s that Great American Spirit that answers YES when the rest of mankind says NO. It’s that Great American Spirit that says, ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL and … Read more

A Warning From A Friend

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From a friend: Warning For All Males
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
rotflmao…

Indeed I have borrowed this hilarious episode from the land we commonly call Facebook. Hope that you have enjoyed yourself. – QBall45

Dirty Rabbit

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So I woke up My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit’s not bloody, just dirty.  My neighbor’s kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed … Read more

Montana State Trooper

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In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside … Read more

The Blind Generation

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Written by a 26 year old college student by the name of Alyssa Ahlgren, who’s in grad school for her MBA. AOC AND THE BLIND GENERATION My Generation Is Blind to the Prosperity Around Us! I’m sitting in a small coffee shop near Nokomis (Florida) trying to think of what to write about. I scroll … Read more

Where Were You – 2nd publishing

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Originally published May 2, 2011. I am posting this again in remembrance of this day in World history. I am about to write a piece that simply needs to be written. I know where it starts. The ending unclear as of yet. However, I know wherever it goes I must write it. Please be advised … Read more

I’m Lost

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As a singer I sing at many funerals and I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, … Read more