Best Divorce Letter Ever Written

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.  I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.  These last 2 weeks have been hell…  Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.  Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.  You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.  Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me.  Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a great life! ——

Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work.  I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’  Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.  And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.  About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.  After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.  So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica.  But when I got home you were gone.  Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.  So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

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