Funny Stuff

Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder (TARD) is a pattern of pathologically dis-associative and psychotic behavior, first observed in the late hours of November 8th 2016, and increasing in severity with passing time.

Sufferers of TARD often exhibit pronounced cognitive dissonance, sudden bouts of rage, uncontrollable crying, suicidal ideation, and extreme sadness.

People with TARD are characterized by a persistent unwillingness to accept that Donald Trump is going to Make America Great Again.

Individual sufferers often display signs of paranoia and delusion; in acute cases psychotic episodes have been observed.

TARD is different from being upset about the results of the 2016 presidential election; People with TARD are unwilling or unable to accept reality, despite irrefutable evidence.

According to the DSM-V, individuals with TARD exhibit most or all of the following symptoms:

– Telling others they are moving to Canada

– Fixated on fantasies about the Electoral College

– Protesting an election no credible source contests the outcome of

– Exclamations that “Someone” should do “Something”

– Acute change in demeanor from pompous and arrogant to fearful and combative

– Claim that anyone who disagrees with them is some combination of Racist, Sexist, Bigoted, Homophobic, and actually some sort of Hitler persona

Causes and Mechanisms:

TARD was directly caused by the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America.

For many, both in America and worldwide, this was a shocking and unexpected outcome; their preferred news sources having failed to inform them that the alternative candidate was a criminal parasite in such ill health she got chucked into the back of a van like a kidnap victim.

Diagnosis:

Diagnosis of TARD is straightforward.

Ask the patient if Donald Trump is going to be the Next President of the United States of America.

Some patients will become agitated, and may attempt to deflect.

It’s critical you press them on the issue, even if they start babbling about ‘muh triggers’.

A sufferer of TARD will begin to ramble incoherently, often displaying three or more of the symptoms within a short period of time.

Treatment:

The only known effective treatment is exposure therapy.

The patient must be repeatedly exposed to reality, and should wear a Make America Great Again hat as long as they are able to tolerate it.

Each exposure should increase in length, after a week the patient should be encouraged to be seen in public wearing the MAGA hat.

Coach the patient to refer to Donald Trump as President-Elect Trump.

Patients with TARD are very resistant to treatment, and dangerous in large groups.

Any possibility of treatment requires that they be separated from their hive-mind support apparatus; they cannot begin the process of accepting reality in the presence of encouragement towards delusion and irrationality.

Separation may require the assistance of law enforcement.

If you have a friend or loved one suffering from TARD, urge them to seek treatment.

Together we can beat this scourge, and Make America Great Again!

 

 

Borrowed this from Facebook.  I don’t know the original author.  I found it entertaining enough to share however I am not sure why it has sat here as a draft since November 16 and not posted until now.  -QBall45 


1. Thingy; (thing-ee) n.

Female… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male… The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. Vulnerable; (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female… Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male… Playing football without a cup.

3. Communication; (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. Commitment; (ko-  mit-ment) n.
Female… A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. Entertainment; (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female… A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. Flatulence; (flach-u-lens) n.
Female… An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 Making Love; (may-king luv) n.
Female… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male… Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. Remote Control; (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female… A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

And then there’s “He said She said”

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra. You’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said… You wear pants don’t you?

He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said… Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said… Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said… Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

Borrowed from my Facebook feed.
–QBall45

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A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

Borrowed from my Facebook feed.
–QBall45

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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or sex,” and she said, “Wear sun-block.”

Borrowed from my Facebook feed.
–QBall45

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A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, get a hearing aid!”

Borrowed this from my Facebook feed. 
–QBall45

Sally was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble. “Sally” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day “Who created the universe?” When she didn’t stir, little Johnny, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil “God Almighty!” shouted Sally, and the teacher said “very good.” A while later the teacher asked “Sally, who is our savior?” but again Sally didn’t stir from her slumber. Little Johnny poked her again with his pencil “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Sally. “Very well done” said the teacher. Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, little Johnny jabbed her with the pencil. This time Sally jumped up and shouted “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR A**” the teacher fainted.

(Borrowed from my Facebook feed)

Cadillac Humor
We were out shopping yesterday for a new ride. Just for fun, Paul and I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that Escalade “feel” before they become extinct…

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car. I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

We had to walk back to the dealership…

(I haven’t any recollection as to where I originally came across this. I stumbled upon it in my “Notes” on my Facebook page and figured it would be better here.)