All posts by qball45

Today I find myself more than a little tired. Its more like exhausted than tired. You know the variety of tired where the brain prefers not to function. The eyes refuse to stay open. The body feels as though it just finished a 15 mile forced road march with all the standard GI field gear strapped on after having been up 36 hours straight with only 2 hour nap. Only it wasn’t a nap at all. Something about pulling guard duty… Or something. This tired could cause a body to sleep for 24 hours… Without even a trip to the can.

Go figure right? Chase, chase, chase. Go, go, go. Its been a couple of crazy weekends with a long week in the middle. Its really surprising I’m able to function at all today. Let alone summon the energy to put “pen to paper”

Having written nothing all weekend it figured I should write something. A long flowing litany of words would be nice. A deep, contemplative narrative maybe. Something that evokes some emotion. If nothing else, bring a smile to the face… Even if only for a brief moment.

Maybe after I’ve eaten dinner…

Maybe then I shall find the strength to string words together. For it takes energy… Something I’ve not much of at the moment, to put words on paper in a manor in which makes sense.

Dinner’s done & I’m stuffed.

Hmmm… Not today. I shall find something rather interesting for tomorrow. Well, at least I will try. So, its off to bed. I hope I may find something captivating to write about in the morning.

Not bad for being so damn tired.

Here’s what I thought I was going to write.

I’m tired. I can’t keep my eyes open. But, I want to write something. Dinner was good & now I’m stuffed. Now I’m really tired. Going to bed now.


When You Least Expect it… We’ve all heard GrandMa say at one time or another… All good things come to those that wait… My personal take on this is… When you least expect it… Often times in life things happen. You know its going to, just not when… exactly. When you least expect it… The washing machine conks out… The love of your life has been serving you coffee for months… untimely, early death… The muffler on the family car falls off… When you least expect it… I guess that’s the point. I read an email last night that started me thinking. Oh, now that’s dangerous. Thinking. When you least expect it… The following is a copy of the email I read last night. I think it pretty well sums up what I want to say… Being A Mother (both men & women, sons & daughters – need to read this) BEING A MOTHER…. After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, ‘I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.’ The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years, but the demands of my work and my two boys had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. ‘What’s wrong, aren’t you well,’ she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. ‘I thought it would be pleasant to spend sometime with you,’ I responded. ‘Just the two of us.’. She thought about it for a moment, and then said, ‘I would like that very much..’ That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last birthday on November 19 th. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. ‘I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,’ she said, as she got into that new white van. ‘ They can’t wait to hear about our date’. We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. ‘It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,’ she said. ‘Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,’ I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation- -nothing extraordinary but catching upon recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said,’ I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.’ I agreed. ‘How was your dinner date?’ asked my wife when I got home. ‘ Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,’ I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. .. An attached note said: ‘I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son..’ At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: ‘I LOVE YOU’ and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve… Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till ‘some other time.’

-author unknown

We’ve all heard it before. If you keep all of your emotions bottled up inside, sooner or later your going to explode.

This is a very bad habit that many of us find ourselves in. The reasons we do it may be different. The results, always the same. Catastrophe. A violent mess.

Some know no better. Others do, and yet do it anyway. For many, its the easy way out. Bottle it all up inside, never to be dealt with. Forgotten. Yet, there are others for whom the bottle and cork are necessary. Part of “the job” they say. A necessary evil. For these, it may true indeed be necessary to take their emotions and place them in a bottle and slam that cork in. Military, firefighter, cop, ambulance crew. It truly does become necessary for these to remain emotion less when on duty. For if not, their very lives could be in jeopardy. For it is true that emotion does in fact cloud and impair ones judgment at times. I should hope that these people have learned to pull the cork out once in a while. Much like one does with a fine bottle of wine. Pull the cork to allow it to breath. Pour some out maybe… Unwind. De compress.

Occasionally, we hear that one has exploded. Gone off the deep end. While preventable, its not all that uncommon.

I think I find myself between these two groups at times. I seem content to remain free of emotion. Cold. Preferring to keep it all held in the bottle by a firmly planted cork. It has become far to easy. In doing so, the world need not see nor understand, nor feel my emotions. They remain inside. Locked away. Hidden behind the cork in the bottle.

The sad truth is, this behavior has made me rather difficult at times to be around. Something that upon discovery has me deeply troubled. Perplexed. What do I do? How. When. Where. There is no need for my emotions to remain locked in a bottle.

A bottle opener is all that’s needed. Like that wine bottle. Pull the cork and pour some out.

For it is true that human emotion is what truly makes each of us human. Individuals. Loving. Kind. Gentle. Not like the cold, hard facade. But, rather more like the bottle of fine wine.


The Facade, the hard stone exterior of a building… Impervious to the elements. Hard. Cold. Not very snugly.

The facade is something I’ve learned to use myself. As the son of a military veteran and cop as well as being a veteran myself, the facade comes easily. The only way to deal with life is to put up that hard, cold, stone exterior facade. Trudge on, get the job done, impervious, unaffected, rock hard, stone cold. It just works…

Well, most of the time it works. When upset, tired, angry, among strangers, in the line of duty the facade becomes a real and necessary part of life. Without it, the man appears weak… easy prey. There comes a time that it truly becomes necessary to wear the facade or mask if you will. I guess its that warrior mentality. Put all emotion in a bottle and slam the cork in hard. Then present a hard, stone cold, zero emotion exterior. This behavior just happens to some. Its caused by dealing with situations where it truly is necessary to wear that facade in order to mentally handle life’s current situation. This is also a learned behavior. Much like one learns to open a door for a lady.

For me, I’ve learned through self examination these past few days that I wear the facade all too often. I think I will make an attempt to work on this. I know its made me hard to deal with. Some would say it makes me hard to live with.

I shall try to work on this. However, its going to be rather hard to change a learned behavior. Especially one that comes all to easy.

Its time I listen to thy Dear Wife.


We’ve all heard countless times before how laughter is the best medicine.

I disagree. I believe laughter takes second fiddle to crying. I’m not talking about the little cry when you stub your toe on the dresser.

I’m talking about the crying that comes from deep down in the center of ones Soul. The kind of thing that happens when we lose a Dear loved one.

My close friends know me to be hard as steel and cold as stone. Little do they know that its just a facade. An exterior, a facade.

Monday morning, I found myself in the bedroom dressing for the long day that lay ahead. I buttoned my collar button and tied the perfect knot in my tie. As I picked up my coat, something unusual happened. I’d lost my usual stone cold hard facade.

I somehow managed to make it through the funeral service. Everyone was finding a seat for lunch. I was just fine until my Dear Mother walked over and whispered in my ear “its ok to smile.”

I told my Mother I couldn’t. The pain was to deep. I hurt too bad to smile. I stood there. In the middle of the Social hall. Hugging my Mother as the tears rolled down my face. I finally sat at the table with my Dear Wife and children. I’m not sure how long I sat in that chair with my head in my hands. Tears pouring down like rain. Crying. A man in deep pain. I remember my Father hugging my from behind. I remember my son Alex moving over and taking the chair next to me. He too was crying. He was crying because he could see his Daddy was in pain. I remember thinking I needed to be strong. Strong for my Family. They needed that from me.

Much to my displeasure (though I know it was for my own good) my Dear Wife Tammy and Aunt Margaret made countless attempts to get me to smile and laugh. Their attempts were in vain. I could not laugh nor smile. For it was my day to mourn the loss of my Grand Father.

It is for me crying that is the best medicine. Crying heal all wounds. Even the deepest.

Laughter and a smile will come in time.


I’ve come to find through talking with “the older” generation that there are a few things that help make a man successful in life. Some of these things are harder than others.

The best piece of advice I’ve found from “the older” generation should be simple enough. However, for most of us men its not an easy thing.

I was told by my GrandFather to listen to my Wife. He said “Even though times may be tough, if you will listen to your Wife you will make it.”

This bit of advice was tucked away in a file somewhere in my mind. Didn’t really think about it much. It just made sense. I was married. I “always” listened to my Wife. Or so I thought.

This past Monday my family packed into our Yukon. We were all dressed in our finest. For this was the day we were going to say our final goodbye’s to my Grand Father. The Great Patriarch of the Davey Family. As I was just about to back out of the driveway my Wife suddenly realized she’d forgotten something in the house. As she stepped out of the truck she looked at me and said, “call work and tell them you want tomorrow off also. Your in no condition to drive today and I don’t want you out driving tonight either.” Without even thinking about it I made the call.

I listened. She was more than correct. I was in No condition to be behind the wheel of my SUV let alone my 80,000# semi-truck.

I Listened. I can’t even express how much I appreciate my Wife telling me to take Tuesday off also.

Guys, Listen to thy Wife.


In addition to being a BlackBerry addict, I’m also a firearms nut. Having just discovered my preferred Sunday talk radio show was now on BlackBerry Podcast I “had” to get it. Both the App and the show that is.

I’ve downloaded the New BlackBerry Podcast Application. Great. Now how do I listen to my favorite podcast? Well, let’s just say at first I was a little lost. I figured out how and thought I’d share what I learned.

1. Open the App and click on “Explore Podcasts” at the top of the screen.

2. Click on “Categories” in the bottom right.

3. Click on the category you wish to search. In this case “sports” fit what I was looking for.

4. Scroll through the list until you find what your looking for.

5. Back to the main screen. Here you should now see your newly selected podcast. Click on it to select it.

6. Now on this screen click subscribe. (I’d already done so. Therefore the box shows unsubscribe.). Also on this screen you will select the particular episode you wish to download.

7. Once you’ve selected the episode you want. Click “Download”

8. Wait for the download to complete.

9. It’s time now to sit back and enjoy the show.

Be sure to check the settings in the options menu.

I hope you’ve found this useful.
Your fellow crackberry addict & firearms enthusiast.